Attack Of The Mean Girls

This morning I posted the following to my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I stupidly assumed that fellow women would understand it, maybe even feel the same sometimes.

I am almost 29yrs old. I have been with the same man for nearly 10 yrs. I have grown and birthed two children, and although there’s been some rocky patches my body has not let me down yet. 

So why do I hate it? Why does so much of my self confidence hinge on what I perceive in the mirror. Why do I pick myself apart and although I tell myself the battle wounds have come from survival and bringing life, why do I continue to find it hard to show my body love?

My self confidence issues no doubtly affect my relationship with my husband. I trust him yet I fear his gaze because of my own morphed perceptions. While he continues to tell me he loves me and everything I am I continue to throw doubt at him. 

This morning he told me I am becoming too hard and too much of an effort to make feel worthy. I threw a vase of roses at him. The hardest part is not because I was angry at him but because I am so mad at myself. 

He is right. It is not his fault. He does everything right. It is me not him. He does not deserve to be the victim of my self loathing. But then neither do I. 

I know I am not the only woman that feels this way and experiences these feelings. I know there are more of ‘me’ out there, but why? How am I suppose to raise two future women to love themselves and to be the embodiment of self worth when I am yet to learn my own? 
We all need to learn how to love ourselves and respect ourselves as we deserve. As the people we love see us. If only we could all view ourselves through their eyes for just a minute. 

I thought I would be rallying a group of troops, fellow sisters to stand with me and admit that shit gets tough and we all have our bad days just like this. I wasn’t condoning my vase throwing behaviors and didn’t clarify that said vase was thrown in the sink next to where my husband was standing. He was not harmed. I don’t abuse my husband in anyway unless you count withholding sex because sometimes when I’m mad, I totally do that.

My post received a few supportive responses and some very brave admissions from fellow women about their own insecurities. I am honored that these women felt it a safe environment to share this with me. Thank you.

It also received judgement and a shit load of it. I was being sent messages and being told I clearly need psychiatric help and that I am fucken mental. My personal favourite telling me my Husband is right to have had enough of me. When I post something like this publicly I am well aware of the critique I am opening myself up to. The opinions will be different to my own and I understand a variety of views and opinions, and our right to them is what make the world such a colourful place.

What is not ok and never ok is to bully and belittle a fellow person especially if it is solely because they just don’t feel the same as you do. It is not ok to call people names, it is not ok to enforce your opinions on them or to question the mental stability of a person based on a cluster of words they were brave enough to share.

Don’t hide behind your screens and pretend you are warriors. You are not. You are tiny people with even smaller minds. In a world where I truly believe everyone deserves to be treated with respect and you probably think you deserve respect to, you are nothing. You are nothing except your actions.

Make your actions kind and kindness will be returned. If you would not say it in person don’t let your fingertips become knives. Bullying does not stop in the playground, it is an adult issue too. And, please tell me one person who hasn’t had one bad day where they felt truly awful about themselves.

I chose to put on a new dress and to go out for a bit with my family and not check my phone. I thought I was strong enough to weather the abusive messages and comments but I was not, because words are harmful. They don’t need to be yelled at a person or teamed with a swinging fist. To just read them on a screen was hurtful and heart-breaking. You don’t know me. You don’t know my story. You don’t know what I have survived or endured. Even if you did know any of this about me it still doesn’t give you any right to verbally berate someone.

Think before you type. Think before you speak. Think before you act. How are we to teach our children to be kind and to stop bullying when we are still doing and fighting it ourselves?

Mel x

10 thoughts on “Attack Of The Mean Girls”

  1. Hi Mel,

    You write beautifully. When I came across your post (study procrastination) it actually stopped me in my tracks. I have seen the effects of internet bullying and everything you described but I was intrigued to find out what your initial post was, i found my way here to your blog and became overwhelmed. The tears flowed as i read you raw post, I truly felt like I was having my own conscious speaking back at me through your words. Everything you described is one of my biggest battles, I am aware of my lack of self love, but how do you completely turn your thought process and network around after years and years of self-abuse. This is the most important issue to be focused on. Certainly not people who attack and judge for there own self recognition. You have handled this unfortunate result of what was such a brave and real issue that so many of us face behind closed doors with grace and maturity. I hope you find some self love in just that, you are already beautiful on the inside (in contrast to what you have witnessed), and to the people who matter, that is what results in true beauty. I hope you had a lovely day out with your fam bam, I couldn’t return to my research without expressing the impact you have had on me today. Thank you. P.S If you find the secret to self-love, don’t forget to share! Steph x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I didn’t see your orginal post but I’m glad you posted it here. EVERYTHING you said resonates with me, everything. I can’t constantly question how can my husband find me attractive when I don’t find me attractive. It’s unbelivably hard to get past. Fuck the key board warriors who think they have a right to past judgement with only the smallest glimpse into your life. Seriously, fuck them. Delete all the messages and keep going. I think you’re rad 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Mel
    I’m one of many people who follow your page who doesn’t know you personally. In fact I don’t even have a daughter to buy your lovely ruffle bums and twirly skirts for. I think I entered a competition one day and then started receiving your hilariously honest and uplifting posts.
    In a world where it is so easy to make online connections with strangers I have no idea why people waste time making negative ones. There are so many positive opportunities out there to share, discuss and learn from each other and connect with real humans in this digital world.
    I too think you have a real gift for writing. You share your problems in a way that engages the reader to laugh and cry along with you. Yet somehow you always put a little something in there to give us hope without belittling tour own feelings ga or experiences.
    I read your post when you first put it up. At no time did I get the idea that you were condoning throwing things at family members. I’m sorry you had to endure an attack of the mean girls. But also grateful for your post. Sometimes it freaks me out just how similar your thoughts or experiences are to my own. Even the crazy warehouse shopping thing. But definitely the self image problems and the tension it causes between spouses.
    I could tell you my story but that’s not what I wanted to say.
    I just east to say thank you for saying the things others can’t always put in into words.
    Thanks for brightening my day with posts about shopping fails (side boob balls) and thanks for taking positive action against the mean girls and trolls of this world and taking the power back.
    Have a lovely week
    Laura

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  4. As T Swizzle would say-haters gonna hate…shake it off, shake it off! (as my 3 yr old boy would sing as he finishes a pee).

    Im not even too sure how I came across your page, but Im glad I did. What you wrote this morning is pretty much exactly how I have felt on certain days and I have had the same convos with my partner with the same result (swap the roses for a kiwifruit).

    I love reading your funny posts. So many reflect things I think or do, except Im not as sassy or brave as you.

    Forget the haters, even if it was only one or two (im sure it’s more) people who read it and had a think.about how they feel avout themselves, youve made a difference in someones life today through your honesty.

    And as for being positive for your daughters, you may not love your body, but you obviously love life, love them and you are brave and honest.

    Keep being you and remember to love yourself…plenty of others do! 🙂

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  5. Trolls suck, you don’t.
    Chin up, you rock.
    I’m a woman who gets it, can’t offer advice coz i have my own stuff to deal with before i can suggest to others, but at the end of the day those people aren’t worth the space they took up in the ether with their senseless waffle and piffle.
    Keep up the good work, love ya

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  6. I’m a bit ‘fucken mental’ sometimes too. It’s called ‘trying your hardest, doing the best you can with what you have and feeling misunderstood, not least of all by yourself’. Don’t catch that ball they are trying to throw you hun, it’s entirely theirs, not yours. x

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  7. I have a tiny girl human (14months) that I’m trying to raise to do the right thing, be a kind person and follow the rules. I can’t imagine what lies a head as I try and parent her strong willed character and the doubt that will form in my body and the shame of have I given enough will definitely form in the face of doubting my own shape and appearance.
    As a high school teacher I regularly questioned whether having kids was even the right thing as our word sucks (well for the most part) and doubted how little old insecure me could raise strong and secure kids in a broken, sad and unkind world.
    I found your page through Insta and love your take on parenting and life. It reminds me that the struggles are real but love is bigger and that this little human takes work but at the end of the day it’s worth.
    Boo to the keyboard warriors – they need to take a look at their own lives and realise that you are probably more honest and real about situations than they have ever tried to be. Keep doing what you do! xo

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  8. I have so much to say about this post. But first & formost, I hope you are ok. Body image issues are huge, add that to online hate & it can be very overwhelming. I send you massive hugs for your brave honest. Thank you for speaking up for all those who suffer in silence and think “I’m crazy”

    I’m a mum of three girls & a body image activist. I really enjoy engaging with parents about their body image & if you want to send me an email id be more than happy to have a chat & see if I’ve got any tip or tricks to help.
    Kia kaha.

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  9. I loved your post. It just so happened that I came across it right after I had a melt down about how I looked! I told my husband I didn’t want to go shopping because I looked too fat and my boobs aren’t perky enough! Sometimes I even yell at him to get out of the bathroom as I don’t want him looking at me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who has These days! Thank you! I don’t know you personally, but you seem so honest and real! Xx

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  10. Oh Mel, gutted for you that your honesty got thrown back in your face like that. We all have shit days, and we’re all battling our own private demons, and I think talking about it – sharing it – should put you in a position where you are better off, so I’m very sorry (and I feel ashamed on behalf of those people) that you had to deal with such crap babe xo

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